The Predisastered Pages

Last night my mother celebrated the eve of my thirty-sixth birthday by attaching a Britney Spears cake-greeting to my wall on Facebook. [Processing. Processing. Processing.] Okay: My mother, Cake Maven and Master of All Things White Soul Food, sent an electronic cake. Seems like a defining moment of something. Of the culmination of my past thirty-six years, maybe? This is where we’re at: Facebook cakes. I like it. Where were these cakes when I was on a diet of nothing but neurotic rollerblading and unsweetened, fat-free, plant food?

36: Twice the legal age;  twice as old as my youngest co-workers; able to recall vivid memories from the Land Before Microwaves, Cable TV, and The Internet; old enough to know what real happiness looks like along with real sorrow, terrible mistakes, and the like. I understand what “starting over” means, but I’ve been around long enough to know I’ve escaped unscathed from anything resembling Total Loss.

With Bella in junior high and begging for more independence, my own identity is kinda peeking around the corner going, “Psst. Over here. Remember me from before that whole Mom thing? Is it cool if I come back out now?” It’s uncomfortable defying unwarranted guilt over initiating the process of reclaiming my life as mine, but only out of necessity for Bella’s need to become her own person. (If that sounds confusing, then we’re on the same page.) At any rate, I’ve had to do a lot of thinking about what’s important to me now and if I’m interested in pursuing any of my old, pre-mom goals.

In thirty-six words and proper nouns, I’ll sum up all this ‘thinking’ I’ve been doing.

• 1973: Acquisition
• 1974: Pride
• 1975: Joy
• 1976: Confusion
• 1977: Princess Leia
• 1978: Stepdaughter
• 1979: Ballet
• 1980: Sister
• 1981: From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler
• 1982: Henrietta
• 1983: Anxiety
• 1984: Music
• 1985: Fear
• 1986: Negligence
• 1987: Anger
• 1988: Journal
• 1989: Isolation
• 1990: United Nations
• 1991: Underdog
• 1992: Stagnant
• 1993: Lost
• 1994: Married
• 1995: California!
• 1996: USMC
• 1997: Motherhood
• 1998: Poverty
• 1999: Discovery
• 2000: Reinvention
• 2001: Frustration
• 2002: Hospital
• 2003: Passion
• 2004: Focus
• 2005: Reality
• 2006: Independence
• 2007: Bliss
• 2008: Development
• 2009: Introspection

There are some words I wish were on this list — around fifty of them to be exact. Of course, now I realize as I enter this new phase of my adulthood that results don’t have to occur haphazardly, and we can choose our paths ahead of time. Barring ease, everything you truly want is yours, but you must ask yourself for it first. And that is an impossible task until you know what it is you really desire.

That said, in the year 2059, I want to celebrate the addition of those yet-to-come fifty words — most of which I plan on choosing and some of which I hope will be pleasant in their future unveilings.

The first thirty-six, done. Thank you and good night.