When Bun’s parents asked me to be her godmother, they listed off a slew of serious responsibilities I’d need to consider before accepting the role. They were more concerned about selecting someone who’d uphold their combined parental standards, but now that the baby’s here, I’m wasting no time implementing the initial steps for Total Bun Interwebz Domination.

Lesson one: You’re gonna need a good pic for your avatar, kid. That’s why Narcissus invented Photobooth. Duh. Go for something flashy and self-important.

Perfect.

Ok, next phase: “Bun has a posse.” Since you’re, like, 4 weeks old, you’re limited, but don’t let this stand in the way of your social networking prowess. You and your posse are FIERCE! Advertise. Warm up that MySpace face.

Ok, that’s a good start, but you need to ditch that tunnel effect. You’re not a one-hit-wonder.

Sweet. Don’t bother waking up. Your posse has it_under_control.

Alright, step three: Use your webcam wisely. Face only, Bun, and keep that onesie ON. Exclamation points. I really don’t wanna see your dad recreating any “Ya Dun Goof’d” footage. No way. Skype is a cool thing. Take it from your god-dad Russell and observe correct Bun-cam etiquette below for future reference.

"Bun? You just fell asleep while I was talking. Hello?"

So you’ve mastered the avatar and the social networking and the whole Skype thing (kind of). In order to fully take over and complete Total Bun Interwebz Domination, you’re going to have to step away from the computer from time-to-time. Since it’s not all avatars and Photobooth IRL, be sure to assess yourself before leaving the house: Do you smell like rotten cheese? Do you need to slay any blemishes?

(Wait, is that me or you? I can’t tell. Let’s try that again.)

Ok, good enough. Now check to ensure your brains are zombie repellant in case of invasion.

Excellent. You’re good to go.

Knock ‘em dead, kiddo. I’ll be right on your tail.